5 Things You Should Refrain from Saying to a Grieving Parent

“Listen, your words won’t solve their dilemma right now. Right now, they are consumed with saving their child in reverse. They are wondering how? Why?”

It’s so hard to know what to say after a death. Here are five simple phrases you should refrain from saying to a grieving parent.

1 – Never Say “I know how you feel….”

Unless you’ve lost a child, you don’t know how that parent feels.

It’s much different than losing a parent, sibling, or friend. It’s not the same as losing your dog, cat, or goldfish. It doesn’t mean you don’t hurt. But, the pain is different.

PLEASE don’t compare the two.

When a parent loses a child, they experience deep pain that often they themselves have never experienced. They don’t understand. How could you? These are circumstances which often leave them questioning their very existence. It’s a feeling you would not understand, unless you’ve lost a child. Please don’t say you know how they feel.

Never say to a grieving parent "You just need to..."

2 – Never Say “You just need to….”

Grieving parents do not have the capacity to bear additional expectations. Really. The weight of grief is so very heavy. They just can’t, nor should they have to. Please don’t add to their burden by telling them that they need to take a break. They need to stop reading sad things. They need to pack their child’s room up. They need to hang out with friends. They need to…

No more.

You may be attempting to help. But, your many requests are not helpful. They are overwhelming. Please don’t tell your person how to grieve.

3 – Never Say “God needed….”

In the midst of great pain, filled with ginormous questions, grieving parents don’t need to be told how God needed their child in heaven. This fictitious statement is not reassuring. Please don’t tell them that their child’s in heaven looking down on them, so they should be happy. Never try to convince a grieving parent that their child’s death was “worth it” if only one person comes to Christ.

That’s why Jesus died. And his sacrifice was complete.

My God is mighty and all-powerful. He is self-sufficient and requires nothing outside of Himself. Yet, He delights in little ol’ me. He loves me. He didn’t need Josh to die. He didn’t need him in heaven for some important task.

Sometimes, really bad things happen. And, somehow… God does a miracle and sees us through.

4 – Never Say “Your child wants or should have….”

Never assume you know the wishes of your friend’s child. Don’t say things like, “Your child wants you to be happy.” Allow the parents to come to the conclusion of what they feel their child may have wanted… if they draw a conclusion about that at all.

Please don’t blame their child’s death on their child, even if they played a significant role in their death. This is not helpful. Please don’t say, “Johnny should have…” Parents, are very protective after their child’s death. They may be angry, but that anger is theirs… and it is intermingled with deep, deep love and pain for their child. This is sacred anger, and it’s something you don’t get to enter into.

5 – Never Say “This must be…”

No one understands why your friend’s child died. Don’t pretend to. You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to explain all the pain in this world away. You don’t get to put it in a pretty little box and top it with a bow.

No. – Not today.

Today, let the ugly mess rage. Let is be what it is.

It is not God’s perfect plan. (God’s perfect plan included a garden.)

It was not meant to be.

It is painful, and it is bad.

Please don’t tell your friend that their child’s death was good.

Never say to a grieving parent that God needed...

What should you say?

Just say, “I’m sorry.”

That’s it? Yes. That’s it. These are the words we’ve whispered to our kids a hundred times since their death. “I’m sorry.” Never think those words aren’t enough. They are the exact same ones we whisper… often daily.

Nothing more is needed, but “I’m sorry,” at the moment.

In fact, the more words you say, the greater the chances are that you’re saying absolutely the wrong thing. Listen, your words won’t solve their dilemma right now. Right now, they are consumed with saving their child in reverse.

They are wondering how? Why?

Their words are few.

Imagine This…

Imagine losing the very person you would give your own life for… without a moment’s thought. Now, imagine not being able to lose your life for theirs. That’s all you want to do.

You want to fix it.

If you can still think of more words to say than “I’m sorry” you most likely are not imagining the utter pain that is felt when a child dies.

Words simply allude you.

Have you said these things to a grieving parent?

It’s okay. Yeah, we prefer not to hear the clichés, advice, and overbearing to-do lists, but we also know you probably didn’t mean to hurt us, anger us, or overwhelm us. Most likely, you didn’t know what to say and were just trying to be helpful.

I get it! I’ve done it too. The truth is, before Josh died, I had no clue I was doing it.

I’ve said the wrong thing. Other times, I allowed silence to speak louder than my “I’m sorry.”

Guess what? It’s fixable… and, it’s forgivable. Reach out to your friend, and simply say, “I’m sorry.” It’s that easy!

You know what? They’ll probably say. “Oh! Don’t worry about it.” But… deep in their hearts, they’ll be so very grateful that they have a friend that cared.

Need help explaining this concept to friends and family?

Are you angry and annoyed about something a friend, co-worker, or family member has said? Do their comments feel insensitive and hurtful. Do you wonder what they’re thinking?

Send them this post.

Explain to them how you’re feeling. More than likely, they really have no clue that they’ve hurt you.

In so many ways, we teach people how to treat us. When it comes to child loss, education is warranted. We’re not taught how to bear the burden of child loss in school, nor are we taught how to help others carry this burden.

Will you help show the world how to comfort with care?

xoxo,

Rachel