8 Things I've Gained Since I Lost You - Notes from a Bereaved Mom

“It doesn’t negate the immense pain. It doesn’t make what happened okay, right, nor needed. But, sometimes, God does the impossible in the midst of great sorrow. He’ll give us a small gift of beauty, in exchange for ashes.”

It’s so easy for me to see all that I lost when I lost you. But, if I try hard enough, I can see some things that I’ve gained as well. I can find the good in the bad. None of these things could ever replace you, and I’d rather have you here by my side. But I’m thankful that I can count these little blessings.

Here’s a list of things I’ve gained since I lost you…

1. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained immense empathy for others.

I realized how often I’d shrugged people’s losses. I may have sent a card, but I honestly forgot about their loss after a month. Sometimes, embarrassingly, I’d forgotten that a co-worker had lost their parent or another close family member. It just wasn’t on my radar. I was so busy before you left. I’ve slowed down a bit, just to pay attention. I’m so glad I did. Thank you for the empathy I’ve gained.

Thank you for the gift empathy.

2. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained self-love and forgiveness.

Your loss sent me in a spiral of self-doubt, guilt, and regret. It was working through these hard feelings that I learned how to give myself the grace that I so often give others. I’m learning to be honest about the things which require my honesty. My body knows when I’m trying to hide; trying to believe a lie. So, I try my best to be honest. Then, I forgive myself. The truth is, I didn’t know Death was visiting, and I found myself unprepared with nothing baking in the oven and a slightly dirty house. And, that’s okay. It absolutely has to be. Thank you for allowing me to love and forgive myself.

Thank you for the gift of self-love and forgiveness.

3. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained new friendships.

Josh, I’ve met so many people since I lost you. I wish you could have met them. You would love them! They make me happy. And… they would have loved you.

My new friends know ALL about you. I speak of you often. They tell me about their babies too: computer geniuses, artists, photographers, band members, college students, and many more. Sometimes, I wonder if you’ve met. I wonder about the friends you’ve made. You made them so easily, and were a true keeper. Thank you for the friends I’ve made.

Thank you for the gift of gained friendships.

4. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained knowledge.

I didn’t realize the amount of knowledge I was lacking before you died. There were so many things I’d never considered before you died; so many things I knew nothing about. Your death changed that. I became more educated about topics I’d never thought about being exposed to. Yes, I wish I’d been equipped with this education beforehand. It may have prevented your death. But, I’m glad I’ve been blessed enough to help others now. Your life and death are changing others because of the knowledge I’ve gained. Josh, thank you for newly gained knowledge. I have found death to be a good teacher.

Thank you for the gift of gained knowledge.

5. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained a better understanding of self.

I was so confused when you died. Everything I thought I knew seemed wrong. Nothing made sense, most of all me. I lost me. I’m still trying to find the new me. But, every piece of me I find is so much more genuine and real. The me I’m finding is a solid me. It’s a sure me, a grounded me; no longer worried about the things that don’t matter.

The new me knows what’s dear to her heart and refuses to compromise on the purest things of all. She’s learning to live by her values, understanding that tomorrow’s not promised. The new me is willing to take risks and isn’t afraid to fall. She’s already fallen to the deepest of pits, and survived. She’s gutsier, yet kinder. She evolving and she’s okay with that, because it means your death meant something; your death changed her. Sweetie, you did not die in vain. I love you.

Thank you for the gift of me.

6. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained a tested faith.

Lord knows I’ve cried. I’ve cried more than I’d like to admit, in places I’d hate to admit. My faith has been tested… and it’s still standing. I have a caring God that’s not afraid of the questions. He’s listened to them all, and faithfully reminded me of His love for me, and for you. He’s carried me, and provided a soft shelter. The test didn’t weather Him. I’m so glad I’m loved by a God who’s BIG enough to see me through. He is seeing me through, and for that I am grateful.

I have no need to fear Him ever leaving me. He stood by me even when I didn’t want to stand by Him, when I was upset, when I didn’t know if I could believe any longer… He was there, consistently comforting me.

Thank you for the gift of a tested faith.

7. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained a waiting heart.

From the second you left, I began waiting. I began waiting with an eager heart, aching to see you every morning. Josh, I wait with great anticipation of seeing you again. I wonder about that moment. What will it be like? When I lost you, I gained an appreciation for waiting hearts.

Thank you for the gift of a waiting heart.

8. As I Find the Good in the Bad – I’ve gained strength to face death.

I don’t believe I’ve thought about death as much as I have since you died. I had so many questions. I wasn’t there. The questions overwhelmed me. But, one thing that did not was death, itself. Since that day, I’ve had no fear of death. If he comes, I am ready. If my son could do it, so can I. Death can hold nothing above my head, no threats, no bribes. I am free to go home, whenever God calls me. My God has conquered the grave. And, truly, I know more now than ever that this is not my home. I have a beautiful home in glory waiting for me.

Thank you for removing the fear of death.

What about you? Have you lost someone?

Give it time. It took me over two years before I could write this post; before I really understood that it is possible for joy and grief to coexist… and that talking about the gifts left behind doesn’t cross out the bad. It doesn’t negate the immense pain. It doesn’t make what happened okay, right, nor needed. But, sometimes, God does the impossible in the midst of great sorrow. He’ll give us a small gift of beauty, in exchange for ashes. Take some time. Find a quiet place, and begin to brainstorm. Think of just a few things that are different. Perhaps, you’re wiser. Maybe, you understand loss more. Have you made changes you weren’t gutsy enough to make in the past?

Need help?

Finding our gains, is so very difficult. But, you can do it. I’ve designed a little tool to help you brainstorm. There’s no pressure. Just print and use for as long as needed. Suppose, you find one positive thing per month, missing a few in between.. because that’s grief. After about a year, you’ll have eight or ten. You CAN do this, and I’ll be here every step of the way.

xoxo,

Rachel