I Felt Lost After My Son Died - {Why Losing Me Made Me Stronger}

“The obvious answer would be to take out a map. Right? But, is there truly a map out there that will give you the perfect route to your life destination?”

I felt lost. Really lost.

The day my son died, I lost a lot of things. I lost our dreams together, I lost unhindered happiness, but I also lost something very unexpected. I lost me. I lost the thing I took for granted would also be there. After all, she’s the body I walk in; the frame in which I live and breathe. Instead, I found that it’s very possible to walk this Earth in a physical body, but have an absence of self. That’s what happened the day my son died. I felt lost.

What Does it Mean When You Feel Lost?

Feeling lost actually means a few things. Often, when we visualize being lost, we visualize being without direction; we’ve lost our way and can’t figure out how to find our destination. We can be lost in the sense that we don’t know how to accomplish what we absolutely know we should be doing with our life.

Other times, we are completely unsure of the destination. We don’t even know where we’re going! What’s next for me? What am I supposed to be doing? Is there anything possible that I can do after what just happened. Our confidence is down. We’re confused. And, many times, we’re anxious.

That leads to the third kind of lost. Sometimes, we can be making all the right steps in life; going to the right school, right job, right spouse. But, somehow, when we look in the mirror, we have no clue who’s driving the car! We don’t know who we are anymore.

Friend, I was all three of these:

I was once absolutely sure of where I was going.

Suddenly, after Josh died, I had no clue who that broken person in the mirror was. I’d lost me.

Without knowing me, I no longer knew what I was supposed to do or where I was supposed to go next. I felt LOST!

How Do you Find Your Way When You’re Lost?

Use a Map When You Feel Lost

The obvious answer would be to take out a map. Right? But, is there truly a map out there that will give you the perfect route to your life destination? Sure there is. Well… maybe not quite the “perfect” route. But, that’s only because there is no perfect way. We’ll all take different routes.

If you know where you’re going, in other words, you have an idea of what you’re supposed to be doing with your life, I encourage you to take baby steps to get there. Don’t become overwhelmed with where you’re not. Just focus on where you currently are and the next baby step.

Take your goal and break it up into bite size steps, working backward. That’s your map! Don’t worry about the detours life is sure to throw your way. Just re-route in the same fashion. You’ll get there.

Need more help, check out these books:

Chazown by Craig Groeschel

Designing Your Life by Bill Burnett

The Life planning Workbook by James Vaughan

Write, Open, Act: An Intentional Life Planning Workbook by Lee Weinstein

It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again: Discovering Creativity and Meaning at Midlife and Beyond by Julia Cameron

Recount Your Steps When You Feel Lost

When I lose something, I often recount my steps. Where did I last see that thing I lost? Where have I been since I last saw me? Losing yourself can be scary. Suddenly, you don’t remember what you like, what you loved, and what you lived for. You feel empty when you look in the mirror, and you feel like a fraud when you look into the eyes of others.

This is no way to live. Everyone deserves to know who they are. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t requires work. If you feel as if you’ve lost you, go back and find yourself! There’s no rule that says you can’t.

Think about why you used to wake up in the morning. What made you smile? What made you frown? Venture back to the “good ole days” and ask yourself why they were special. Got any childhood stories. Write them down. Then, expound on them. What was important about each story? Who was present? What feelings do you remember? What did your future look like at that age. Find you.

You may want to check out a couple of these titles to get you started on your way:

I Lived This: A Workbook for Writing Your Life Story by Jessica Reeder

How to Be Yourself by James McLaren

Journal to Self: Twenty-Two Paths to Personal Growth by Kathleen Adams

Ask for Help

What happens when you attempt to recount your steps only to find out that when you get to that person you once were, you discover you’re no longer that person; no longer want to be that person? It happens. That’s exactly where I was. That’s when it’s time to ask for help, and that’s okay. Sometimes, we just need someone to talk to. That’ what I needed when I felt lost. I needed someone to believe me. I needed permission to say it.

“I’m not that person anymore.”

“I don’t feel like her. I don’t think like her. And, pretending to be her does no justice to what I’ve been through.”

“I’m different.”

You may be different too. Whatever brought you here, whatever hard thing that happened, changed you… looking for the old you won’t solve your dilemma. You’ve got to discover who this new you is. You’ve got to meet her. Ask her questions. Accept her. And, share her with the world. We’ll talk about that later.

So, how can you regain your sense of self?

Create a map of intentional life baby steps.

Write the story of your life, while making connections to who you are.

Talk to someone and give yourself permission for self-discovery.

What I Did When I Felt Lost and Purposeless

You don’t have to follow the steps above. Get creative. You hold the key to how you decide to move forward. Just don’t stay stuck. Explore who you are in a way that suits you.

Here are seven things I did when I felt lost:

1. Admitted where I was. I was lost!

2. Asked myself some serious questions. Why, how, what, when… and especially who.

3. Became friends with my shadow and forgave her.

4. Got help and found someone who gave me permission to “not be me.”

5. Moved forward and discovered who this new girl was.

6. Created a map for intentional living… that I was proud of and suited my values.

7. Looked in the mirror and smiled at who I was, am, and am becoming.

You can do these things too, friend! Or, better yet, create your own plan. You got this!

Four Things to Remember When you Feel Lost and Alone

While you’re on this journey, mindset is important; very important. Here are four things I want you to remember on this journey. Re-write them in your own voice and make affirmation cards, reciting them daily or multiple times per day if needed.

You need to remember these things when you feel lost:

You are NOT alone. You’re not the only one who’s been there, Friend. I felt lost for a while too.

Feeling lost doesn’t mean you’ve failed. In fact, the you you find may be even better.

This feeling and place are temporary.

You’ve got to put in the work. Then, get up and do it again! It means you’re moving forward.

Three Things I Needed to Hear When I Felt Lost

When I felt lost, I didn’t know what I know now. It was scary!

Uncomfortable.

Anxiety producing.

Feeling lost when you don’t know what to do is no joke. Looking back, I needed a few things from the people around me, but I didn’t know how to ask. I didn’t even know what I needed. I’ve listed three things I needed to hear when I felt lost. Perhaps, you need the same things as well. If so, it’s okay to ask for them. It’s okay to talk to the special people in your life and explain what you desperately need from them during this unnerving time. Here’s what I needed.

Three Things I Needed to Hear from my Special People, When I Felt Lost:

1. I LOVE you just the way you are.

2. I give you permission to be you.

3. I will also LOVE the new you.

I needed to feel safe; safe where I was and safe where I was going. I needed to know the new me would be accepted.

Feeling Lost Leads to a Stronger You

When I felt lost my future looked dismal. It didn’t feel like I’d ever be the same, and I wasn’t. But, that’s the best part. I wasn’t the same. After all the work was done, I was better. I was glad I wasn’t the old me.

In fact, the process showed me that there was room to grow. Looking back, writing my story, revealed a new perspective. I saw areas in which I wanted to grow and evolve. Unhealthy patterns were revealed and traits I didn’t know existed.

This time, the map I drew forward was drawn intentionally. It included my deepest values and was hand drawn for me. I emerged a much more confident person, one of which I could be proud. But, more importantly, I was someone I could be honest with. I no longer needed to lie about where I’d been and no longer needed to pretend I knew where I was going or who I was. I was me. Feeling lost led to a stronger me.

At the beginning of this journey, of which I felt lost, I could have never imagined being where I am today… talking to you. But, I’m so very glad I am.

You see… instead of finding the me that was lost. I decided to discover the me I was becoming. You can read more about the difference between the two in my next post.

xoxo,

Rachel