This is a type of mysterious vanishing, where you wake up everyday for the next five years wondering, “Is this real?”
My child died in 2016. Those words are still hard to say. Though I live this reality everyday, a part of it still seems distant and unbelievable.
My Child Died
Beyond missing my son, and not seeing him fulfill all of his many goals, one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with is guilt, regret, lack of control… all of it. These emotions can be crushing at times.
RElated Post: Why You Weren’t Too Hard on Your Child that Died
My Child Died. How Do I Forgive Myself?
I’ve come to realize that often the hardest person to forgive is usually ourselves. Isn’t it funny how some of the easiest things for us to give to others, seem almost impossible to offer to ourselves:
kind words,
empathy
… forgiveness.
Somehow, when it’s time to give them to ourselves, these simple gestures elude us.
Instead, we look in the mirror and see the unimaginable… someone who just can’t seem to get it right, a loser, someone who should have known better.
My Child Died. Who Loses Their Child?
Who loses their child? It’s the one thing you’re supposed to do; keep an eye on the kid. But, now you look around and they’re not there. One day they’re right there beside you, and the next they’re gone. Just like that, you say. You lost them.
Related Post: Dealing With Guilt After Child Loss
You lost them.
Except, it’s not like losing your keys, or your glasses that just happen to be sitting on the top of your head.
This is a type of mysterious vanishing, where you wake up everyday for the next five years wondering, “Is this real?” You still hear their voice, see their silhouette, and imagine their walk. It’s like a dream.
My Child Died… and I Think I May Have Died Too.
This is the most important time to look in the mirror and be that girl’s friend, but somehow she’s gone too.
Lost.
Lost in a sea of her own grief.
Related Post: Finding the Good Memories after Child Loss When They’re Hard to Find
If you’re feeling lost this morning, if you’re feeling confused wondering what on Earth happened, wondering if any of this is real, I want to tell you that eerie feeling is totally normal.
It visits you in the wee hours of the morning, sitting at work when you hear a familiar voice and realize it yours, or at the grocery store when you realize the hand out in front of you reaching for that box of cereal is your own.
RElated Post: Why I Didn’t Know I Needed You as a Bereaved Mom
Friend, this daze you’re in is okay. Breathe. Remind yourself that you’re okay to be where you are. One day you’ll understand.
Just not today.
One day, I’ll understand too.
Some time today, look in the mirror and say, “God, I’m yours. All of me. Every bit of me is yours. Help me. Tell me who I am… really am. Remind me that you love me. I need you.”
Now… forgive yourself. Give yourself the words of empathy you’d give a friend.
Related Post: Inside the Reflection
Release yourself from the power you never had. Remind yourself that you didn’t know what you know today; or the moment after. And if you did, know that the perceived control you thought you had, never really existed. Now, look into your heart, and think about ALL the love you have for your child… and know that if love could have saved your child they would be safe in your arms today. You LOVED well.
You LOVED well, Mom.
You LOVED well, Dad.
Forgive yourself.
Then, repeat tomorrow. ❤️
xoxo,
Rachel
© Rachel Blado www.OnTheWayToWhereYoureGoing.com All rights reserved.
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Thank you so much for your words of solace❤️🕊
Marilyn, you’re so very welcome.