Why I Didn't Know I Needed You as a Bereaved Mom

“I needed you to sit there beside me. Yes, just sit there and say nothing as you allowed my thoughts to catch up with me. You could daydream too; create a new mental world. We’d be in our worlds together, sitting side-by-side.”

I thought I knew what I needed as a bereaved mom, but I didn’t know I needed you.

I needed time to grieve and mourn.

I needed you to give me permission to grieve for as long as it took. I needed to know there was no predetermined time constraint, that I wasn’t doing “it” wrong. I needed to know that I wasn’t crazy. I was just grieving. I needed you to not feel so urgent for me to get over it.

I needed you to say my son’s name.

I needed to hear that you missed him too. I needed to hear funny stories, great feats, and stories of hidden talents and honorable responsibility. I just needed to hear it. I needed you to say his name. Say it loud. Say it softly. Say it with joy. And, say it with sadness. I needed to know you hadn’t forgotten. I needed to know my boy would never be forgotten.

I needed you to sit beside me.

I needed you to sit there beside me. Yes, just sit there and say nothing as you allowed my thoughts to catch up with me. You could daydream too; create a new mental world. We’d be in our worlds together, sitting side-by-side. That’s what I needed; a friend sitting next to my with a nice comfy pillow… until the two worlds, I was consumed by, slowly merged together.

I needed you to let me feel.

I needed you to allow me to own my guilt, even the false guilt. I needed to process it, not be told that it wasn’t true. So much was already wrong with my life. I didn’t need to also feel like a liar, like a fake.

I knew I was guilty and nothing you could have said in those moments could have convinced me otherwise. I was guilty of allowing my child to die, of not saving him; protecting him.

I needed time to mentally exhaust every possible measure of saving him in reverse; long after he’d left this Earth. It was only after pure exhaustion would I find I needed to forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t know; that death would make an unexpected visit. I needed you to acknowledge my feelings, not attempt to correct them. Your corrections only added to the load I was already caring.
I needed to hear that you forgave me each time I said no to an outing.

I needed you to be patient with me.

As the weeks and months rolled by, I needed you to be patient with me. Something was going on inside of me; something messy and chaotic. I didn’t quite understand it myself. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t adapting. Why was I not getting back up from this? What was taking so long? I’m STRONGER than this? Aren’t I? I needed you to give me the patience I didn’t quite know how to give myself. Perhaps, you could have showed me what patience looked like.

I needed you to understand that I didn’t know I needed you.

I needed you to understand that I didn’t know I needed you. I wasn’t upset at you. There was no “perfect” anything I was expecting.

You see, all of me, was focused on who needed me.

My baby needed me. He needed me to undo what happened. He needed me to fix my BIGGEST mistake, my biggest failure; not saving him. I was stuck, completely stuck in a different world… and it didn’t include you. It was just that moment that wouldn’t leave my mind, and the million little pieces which my mind said caused that one moment. There simply was no time for me to “need” you.

I needed you to understand that I didn't know I needed you. I wasn't upset at you.

I needed you to stop time.

I needed you to stop time. Stop time, so I could separate all the worlds. Stop time so I could soothe my mind. Stop time so I could figure out how much I needed you; how I’d become so separated from you. I needed you. I just didn’t know.

Part of me has caught up with time now.

I can look back and clearly see how much I needed you. I wish I’d let you in. I wish things hadn’t been so awkward. Sometimes, they still are. Sometimes, time still alludes me. But, I’ll do my best never to let you go again, friend.

Thank you for being here.