“I did all the things I used to do for him when he was twelve and wondered where the time had gone.”
“Yesterday, I ran my fingers through my son’s curly, dark locks for the last time. I hugged his still, lifeless body and kissed his blotchy skin. Then, I said goodbye.
I wish he’d looked at me. I wish he’d said, “Bye, Mom.” But, he was gone. I was too late. They covered him, rolled him out and gave me their cards. I cleaned his room, washed his laundry, folded his clothes neatly, and sorted through his books. For those few moments, I felt like Mom again. I did all the things I used to do for him when he was twelve and wondered where the time had gone. His room is clean. His school books are ready to go. I could even make a hot breakfast for him in the morning. A fresh batch of coffee is easily brewed. But, I know it’s too late. I woke up this morning and checked for his car, like every morning. But, this morning it didn’t ensure me his safety. It simply reminded me that his room was clean, his laundry was folded, his books were ready… but he was gone. I love my Joshua. Every sacrifice, every tear I’d gladly do over a thousand times again. I am so proud of you, Josh. You always seemed to get back up. You had a tenacity that was honorable and I couldn’t have asked for a better son. Your brothers couldn’t have asked for a better brother, and your friends were changed because they knew you. I wish I could have protected you. I wish I could have been there. Know that I love you dearly.
Tuesday, September 20th, we will come together and remember Josh on his 21st birthday. Everyone is welcome. This will be a short time of remembrance and healing. Thank you all for helping me remember my baby.”
This was the beginning of several posts. It was the beginning of several nights wishing I’d been there, wishing I could see my son just one more time. Feel free to join me on this journey. It is filled with joy, laughter, and of course sadness. But, in the midst of it all, there is HOPE.
xoxo,
Rachel
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