Dealing With Guilt After Child Loss + 4 Steps to Follow When You Feel Guilty

“God knows EVERYTHING about you. He knew it all before you. Yep! He knew the mistakes you’d make before you knew, and He’s loves you.”

One of the things I’ve had to do since the passing of my son was to admit my imperfection. I am not perfect. I could have done things differently. I’ve had days where I didn’t do my best. Some may find these phrases troublesome, but I found and continue to find healing in them. Dealing with guilt is an important step in the process of forgiving yourself.

Dealing with Guilt Means Admitting Your Feeling of Guilt

I needed to say these things, and I desperately needed those around me to allow me to say them. I am a mom whose son died just a few feet below her while she slept. You see, as soon as I found him, in an instant, my imperfection began shouting at me.

I was barraged mentally with things that could have been done differently. Mistakes from years earlier, regardless how minuscule, rushed through my mind; silly things.

Yet, almost each time I tried to share, I was told the contrary.

“You did the best you could. There’s nothing you could have done differently.”

And, the pain got worse. The burden grew heavier. The shame overpowered me, as I felt I was hiding the truth.

The truth was I wasn’t perfect, and no one seemed to believe me.

There’s always something you could have done differently. Every single one of us could have put the opposite arm in our shirt first today. We could have dipped the cookie in the milk instead of drinking from the mug. There’s always something. And to someone who’s lost so very much, those things seem huge.

Things began to turn around when I was given the opportunity to admit it. — Admit the thing the enemy keeps throwing in your face. Then, remind him (and yourself) that God already knows. In fact, He knew before you knew. He may have whispered it in your ear. He knew exactly how you were going to respond in those crazy moments.

He loved you before.

He loved you after.

And, He still loves you.

Does it stop the sadness? The pain? No, but the shame, the heavy shame is released, and it is absolutely essential to your healing. You must deal with felt guilt after child loss. It’s a crucial step in this challenging process.

To the mom who fell asleep holding your child and now she’s gone. It’s okay. It’s okay not to be perfect, and it’s okay to admit it. You didn’t mean it. God knew before you and He loves you. Always has.

To the dad who buried his son. It’s okay. Yes, you guys argued sometimes. You were hard on him at the baseball games. You worked most weekends and now realized you could have spent that time with him. It’s okay. You only wanted the best for your son. It’s okay not to be perfect. Nobody is. No, not even me.

To the little brother who left the gate open to the pool and now your baby sister is gone. It’s okay, Sweetie. It was a mistake and we all make them. And, guess what? God loves you BIG! And… so do I. — (Get to the it’s not your fault part a few sentences later. He won’t believe you anyway. This is a process. Right now, just shower him with love, and help him address what he’s feeling. Don’t tell him he did his best. He knows he didn’t. But, none of us do on a day-to-day basis, and no one dies. This just happened. That gate’s been left open before, and no one died.)

To Rachel. To the sweet mother who found her son and instantly realized what she didn’t know before, it’s okay. “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” God already knew. He knew exactly what you would and wouldn’t do and He still loves you.

Guys, there are some things we can’t change. We can’t fix them, and we were never meant to fix them. However, we do have to face them. This huge mountain can’t be ignored and trying to do so will eat you alive.

Read: Why You Weren’t Too Hard on Your Child That Died

4 Steps to Follow When You Feel Guilt After Child Loss

1 -Admit your guilt (real or false – it doesn’t matter).

Lying to yourself does NOT work. Instead it makes you feel like you’re hiding something; like you’re walking around with a mask on. Lying doesn’t change the guilt you feel… it magnifies it! Now, you also feel guilty for lying about the guilt you feel. STOP the cycle. Be honest with yourself.

2 -Forgive yourself for being human.

Listen, you’re the only one who can forgive you. It’s up to YOU. You hold the key to dealing with your guilt. It will take months of repetition. It will take hard work. But, you and only you can do it.

Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are human. Humans make mistakes. Humans don’t know the future. Humans aren’t perfect and neither are you.

Everyday, multiple times per day (I’m talking 20+ times per day) admit that thing, then admit your humanity, and forgive yourself.

One day, you may discover that the guilt you’re feeling is false guilt, but, for now, just forgive yourself. You’re human and so am I.🧡

3 – Tell yourself that God already knew… and He LOVES you.

God knows EVERYTHING about you. He knew it all before you. Yep! He knew the mistakes you’d make before you, and He loves you. Friend, you are LOVED with an everlasting love.

Romans 8:38-39 says the following:

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
NLT

You have a friend. His name is Jesus, and He LOVES and forgives you. You just need to forgive yourself.

4 – Remember, that your child knew you were imperfect and they LOVED you just the way you are.

Your child felt your love instantly. It’s one of their first memories. That LOVE is what they knew best. It was there from the beginning. And despite anything you feel you’ve done wrong, that love remained, or else you wouldn’t be reading this.

You are human.

You are imperfect.

Your child knew this.

And, you are STILL LOVED.

You can do this, Friend. Guilt after child loss doesn’t need to win. Remember, you are known and loved.

xoxo,

Rachel