“We may think that love is a whole lot of goosebumps and googly-eyed feelings but, Love’s not a feeling at all. It’s a set of actions. How do you love your spouse when you don’t feel like you can?”
When hardships hit a marriage via loss of a child, home, or career, things can get hard… but they’re not impossible. Here are some keys things to remember when you are asked to love your spouse when you don’t feel like you can.
8 Important Keys to Remember When You’re Trying to Love Your Spouse
1. Remember you’re on the same team.
It may not seem like it, but you’re on the same team. Sometimes, we argue who’s going to pitch and who’s going to bat, but in the end, we both want to win. We both want a beautiful, stress-free life. We want to say that we’ve enjoyed our time here on this Earth, and that our time here was a success.
No one really wants to spend their time arguing, or feeling frustrated. That includes your spouse. Believe it or not, they DON’T want their life to be miserable. Sometimes, we just don’t know how to get to that happy spot. Often, repeated hurts and resentment make being on the same team difficult. It’s hard to rely on a teammate you don’t trust.
Friend, can I tell you that it’s okay to admit this? But, also admit, that since you’re married, you ARE on the same team. So, as a team, or even individually, work on the trust issues. Work on the resentment. And, deal with the hurts. In order to love your spouse, when you don’t feel like you can, you’ll need to remember that you’re on the same team.
2. Remember your spouse’s humanness.
Humans make mistakes. They make bad calls. Sometimes, in their pride, they intentionally do very stupid things that they are totally convinced will turn out well… despite your warnings.
You know who’s human? Your spouse.
Your spouse’s humanness will, sometimes, prevent them from being there when you really need them. In fact, sometimes, they’ll have no clue just how important their support is needed. Your spouse’s humanness will may cause them to be a little unbalanced in some areas of their life. They’ll get sidelined, go on life tangents, and may need a little patience. In order to love your spouse, when you don’t feel like you can, you’ll need to remember their humanness.
3. Remember your humanness.
Umm… what did you see the last time you looked in the mirror? I’m sure you saw beauty; the face you’ve called you since the beginning of time. But, did you also see your humanness? Did you see little bits of imperfection; speckled among the beauty? I wish their was a magic wand for perfection. Wouldn’t that be nice?
We’re all slightly imperfect. Each of us have our hang-ups. The problem is, most of the time, they’re invisible to us.
One of the keys to loving well is to remember your own humanness. Remember the grace you need (even if you don’t always get it). Acknowledge that you don’t have the wand for self-perfection, and neither does your spouse. At the end of the day, we each need to look in the mirror and acknowledge who and what we are, as we grow in maturity. In order to love your spouse, when you don’t feel like you can, you’ll need to remember your own humanness.
4. Remember what LOVE is.
We may think that love is a whole lot of goosebumps and googly-eyed feelings, but love’s not a feeling at all. It’s a set of actions. How do you love your spouse when you don’t feel like you can? You just DO it. Step by step, you show patience, kindness, and forgiveness.
Here’s a reminder of Love’s characteristics:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I Cor. 13:4-8
8 Love never fails.
To love your spouse when you don’t feel like you can, you simply need to remember what LOVE is.
5. Grant mercy and GRACE when love is not shown to you.
(Disclaimer: If you feel your life is in danger, please seek help immediately.)
Grace is something that can be done by a singular individual. It requires no cooperation, and requires nothing in return. You CAN give grace… and you can give it freely with no strings attached.
Many times, we feel as though grace must be earned. We place restrictions on who receives grace. Maybe, it’s the person who apologized or the person who seems sincerely regretful. But, what about the person who keeps hurting us?
Was it right for Jesus to give his life for us, while we were yet sinners?
I’m so thankful for his grace, now. But, there was a time when I didn’t recognize His grace. I didn’t recognize the price that was paid on my behalf. You may be in that spot. Maybe your grace, your sacrifice, and your hard work aren’t being recognized. Keep trucking along. You CAN do this. One day you’ll see the Father, and He’ll be well-pleased. HE SEES YOU.
Loving your spouse, when you don’t feel like you can, requires grace; grace you too are being freely offered.
6. Practice gratitude.
Ever caught yourself focusing on your frustrations of the day? I have! – It never leads to anything good. But, practicing gratitude changes you. It’s builds you up and gives you hope. Sometimes, it seems like there’s nothing to be grateful for. Everything’s a mess! I hear ya!
A good place to begin is… “I’m thankful that God is good.”
I’m thankful that God will never leave me.
I’m thankful that God sees me.
I’m thankful that God collects my tears.
I’m thankful that God’s fighting my battles.
I’m thankful.
7. Enlist a Helper.
Sometimes, in our obedience, help is needed. Simon carried Jesus’ cross. Jesus needed help on His mission to give us grace. Enlist a friend. Ensure this friend is a godly friend who will uplift you with the Word of God. Then, get back to it. Love, love, love. Remember, love is a set of actions. ❤️
8. Don’t give up! – You can DO all things through Christ who strengthens you.
How do you love your spouse when you don’t feel like you can? You just DO it. You carry out each singular action, one small step at a time, with gratitude in your heart, remembering your humanness, along with your spouse’s… all while remembering that you’re on the same team. You need each other to win this game. Don’t give up!
You CAN do all things through Christ.
You CAN walk in patience.
You CAN show kindness.
You CAN refrain from envy.
You CAN walk humbly.
You CAN honor your spouse with your words.
You CAN seek the best for your spouse.
You CAN count to ten and calm down before saying angry things.
You CAN forgive, instead of keeping a record.
You CAN rejoice in who God says your spouse is.
You CAN protect your marriage by showing love.
You CAN trust that God wants the best for you and your marriage.
You CAN stand in hope believing and standing on God’s promises.
You CAN persevere because you CAN do all things through Christ.
You CAN love your spouse when you don’t feel like you can.
You got this, Friend!
xoxo,
Rachel
Join my newsletter. You’ll also gain access to helpful resources.
