How to Show Grace to Your Spouse During Difficult Times

“Needless to say, this graceful girl turned into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. And, this new girl didn’t have very much grace.”

Who says it’s hard to show grace to your spouse during difficult times? If we’re honest, quite a few of us. Here’s my story.

Years ago, I thought I was a grace-giver. In fact, I thought I was rather good at offering grace. But, then I went through some very challenging times.

The good ‘ole 2008 recession led to my husband losing his business. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time. Suddenly, our life changed drastically. There were no jobs that paid the equivalent of what my husband was earning in West Virginia. Ultimately, we lost our home and moved our family hours and several states away.

Oh, Boy! That was HARD… and, providing grace was even harder. The truth is, it’s really hard to show grace when you’re both going through challenging times. But, when you’re married, you go through your hard times TOGETHER. I believe, that’s what makes it so straining to show grace to your spouse during difficult times.

Several years after moving to Tennessee, when everything seemed to finally be coming together, we lost our son. To say we were devastated, would be an understatement. There are no words to describe what we were feeling. Everything was a mess: our emotions, finances, sex life…. you name it. It was WRONG.

Read Related Post: Intimacy after Child Loss – {Sex While Grieving Can Be an Intricate Dance}

Needless to say, this graceful girl turned into someone I didn’t recognize anymore. And, this new girl didn’t have very much grace.

So, here’s what I learned and am still learning about grace in relationships.

What does it mean to show grace to someone

One of the first things I had to deal with was the fact that my husband didn’t deserve grace. Each time I was “graceless,” he deserved it. Really, he was being a jerk. Yeah, I knew he was going through things, but so was I. I needed grace too!

Unfortunately, that “fact” didn’t fair well with God. Often, He’d bring me back to showing kindness even if it was undeserved. Isn’t that what Christ did for us?

What does it mean to show grace to someone? – Grace is unmerited favor which is freely given. In short, it means that you show favor (kindness, preference, support) to others even when it’s undeserved… and we do it freely, without asking or expecting anything in return.

This can take practice and I’m still practicing, Friend.

Now that we understand that we should be showing grace, let’s look at the how. Showing grace is one thing, but showing grace during difficult times is a whole new obstacle. It’s hard to show grace and love when you both are struggling. Here are a few tips that you may find helpful:

1. Practice empathy.

I know things are challenging right now, but they’re difficult for BOTH of you. If at all possible, try your best to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. How may they be hurting right now in their lives. Can you meet them where they are, in their pain and hurt? Remember, hurting people often hurt others, so don’t take it personally. Meet them where they are and provide space for grace.

2. Allow grace for falls. (Forgiveness in all areas.)

Have you ever tried juggling too many things? Suddenly, the things you could do with your eyes closed you can’t do anymore. Life challenges are like throwing another ball into your juggling act.

Usually, they come out of nowhere with no warning at all. You lose a job. Your child dies. The washing machine breaks. Ever notice, they tend to come in sets? When it rains, it pours.

Allow grace for falls. Allow some balls to fall from your spouse’s uncoordinated hands. The act he or she once had perfected will need some time to be perfected again. This may take longer than either of you wish to admit.

You can show grace to your spouse during difficult times by remembering they’re juggling balls too, and they won’t be themselves for a while.

3. Remind your spouse who they are. He’s the man for the job. She’s the only woman that could ever come close.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m in unfamiliar territory, I begin to lose my cool. Every wrong turn makes me feel like I’m getting further and further away from where I’m supposed to be.

During hard times, every mistake, bad decision, or “ball dropped” makes you feel like you’re getting further away from the competent man or woman you used to be. On top of that, the sky is falling!

Though you’re struggling, this is a good time to build your spouse up. Give them a kind word and remind them who they are.

4. Make space for vulnerability and encourage it.

Many of us are pretending all day… especially in the midst of chaotic times. We play it cool, and pretend that everything’s normal. We’re as good as new – NOT. We’re drowning!

Except, we’re too afraid and embarrassed to say it. What will my co-workers think if they knew how bad things are right now. “I can’t talk about it here. I’ll cry. I just gotta keep it together.”

Home is the one place we should be able to be vulnerable, under all circumstances. It should be our safe haven. It’s where our people are.

Be your spouse’s person… even if they don’t know how to be yours right now. Let them know it’s okay to talk about it and encourage it. Acknowledge their pain, struggles, and fears even without them having to bring it up.

Do the hard part of broaching the subject for them, and let them know they never need to hide around you. You’re a soft landing spot. Giving grace to your partner requires gentleness.

5. Speak your spouse’s love language.

We can do all the things in the world, but if our spouse doesn’t recognize them as “love” they’ll feel unloved. Crazy, ugh? I didn’t make this up. According to Gary Chapman, it’s important to love and operate within our spouse’s love language. This may require a bit of studying your spouse, or you both can take a love languages test, if you haven’t already.

Once you’re geared with this arsenal of information, make an intentional effort to ask yourself how you can love your spouse in his or her special way. Feeling loved is so very important when times are rough. Practicing the five love languages is a surefire way to show grace to your spouse during difficult times.

6. Lighten your spouse’s load by carrying their burdens.

Showing grace and mercy in marriage is where the rubber meets the road. It’s how you know you have the real deal. You’re solid. You’re putting in the work that many don’t realize is encapsulated in the word love.

Carrying each other’s burdens is part of that work. It is a labor of love that can be seen as one of the sweetest endearments. This act of love sounds so very arduous, but it can be one of the easiest things to do in a marriage.

You see, what’s hard for your spouse to carry is often easy for you to carry, and vice versa. Have you ever tried to carry something in one arm and failed miserably, only to switch hands and find the task a cinch?

That’s what it’s like in marriage. Often one of you is better at carrying certain loads. You just need to communicate and find each other’s strengths.

When we lost our house and undertook our ginormous move, my husband and I didn’t understand this concept. It cost us a lot of pain and agony. We were desperately hurting and neither of us had enough energy to supply grace to each other.

We were overwhelmed with our own burdens and insecurities. Balls were dropping from our hands left and right, and we seemed to be drowning.

With hindsight and many more years of wisdom, I know it would have been wiser to encourage vulnerability, to lay our shields and masks down, and invite humble honesty in. It would have made carrying each other’s burdens a cinch.

You see, I would have realized that my husband’s identity and manhood were being challenged. Well, I could have very easily carried that for him and done some extra building in that area.

On the other hand, Mike, my husband, would have realized that my security was being challenged. I think he would have absolutely loved to carry that burden for me and provided me with the extra reassurance I needed.

Ultimately, what was hard for me, would have been a dream for my husband to carry. And, I can honestly say, I would have rathered carried my husband’s burden than my own. We just needed to switch hands and carry each other’s burdens.

Grace in Marriage Scriptures

Here are a few scriptures you may find helpful. You may want to clip them to the refrigerator, frame and hang them around your home, or carry them around on a index card as a reminder.

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 ESV

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22 ESV