5 Steps to Help You Get Through a Hard Month

“It’s easier to add a dash of happy than it is to remove the thick, undertone of sadness that is intertwined into so many pieces of your life.”

I didn’t write much on my blog this month. What could I write? It’s November. What would it look like if I tried to care? I couldn’t imagine this going well. Getting through a hard month can be challenging.

It’s the month the seasons change and remind me how the world is changing, moving on without my child.

November’s the month of jolly “thankful” posts about all the things I used to be happy about, but now they seem desperately hollow. Every jolly post reminds me that I’m different. I’m simply not the person I used to be.

November’s the month that leads into it all. Thanksgiving is followed by Christmas, which ushers in the new year.

A table full of food with a missing person.

A Christmas tree missing its usual number of gifts… if a tree is put up at all.

A new year spent without the child you love.

So, what did I do?

I did these five things:

I was honest.
I did what I could.
I created a small win.
I pushed myself a little.
I allowed God to take the reins.

Honesty is the best policy.

(Especially when you’re trying to get through a hard month.)

1 – Be honest about where you are in your life.

The first thing I did was be honest. This was HUGE, and it was something that was required the entire month. Lying to yourself doesn’t work. It just adds to the anxiety. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and be truthful about the sadness you feel. Negating the sadness doesn’t increase your happiness. It doesn’t work that way. You can have intentional moments of joy and peace, even though a deep sadness is present. In fact, it’s easier to add a dash of happy than it is to remove the thick, undertone of sadness that is intertwined into so many pieces of your life.

So, be honest. Add a dash of happy when you can, but don’t try to erase the sadness. There is a reason for that deep sadness. It’s love.

The Little Engine that Could.

(Even the tiniest little engine could do something.)

2 – Do what you can with the energy you have.

I didn’t know what I was going to do. I’m a blogger now.. I guess. I’m pretty new at this, but I think I should be writing blog posts. Unfortunately, I had nothing jolly to say.

After some honest talk, and some honest tears, I picked up my pen and decided to write a post called, “When You Can’t be Thankful in the Midst of Hard Times – A Thanksgiving Guide.” – Yep, I didn’t pretend to be overly happy. But, I was determined to give God thanks. I just did what I could do. I wrote a post which included 28 Prayerfully Thankful prayers, that could last all month long (almost). Then, I put my pen down for a while. That’s what I could do. And, I didn’t allow myself to feel guilty about it. What small thing can you do this month? Remember, it doesn’t have to be much.

Be the winner you are.

3 – Create a small win.

Small wins are GOLD.

Really, I love these things. Small wins make you feel successful, and put a smile on your face. Even when you’re losing in every area of your life, a small win can drastically boost your confidence, giving you what it takes to try one more thing.

I’ve had several small wins, over the past few months. They really lift me up when I’m down. This month, I decided to create a little coffee area in my kitchen. I mainly used things I already had, but accomplishing this small feat definitely put a smile on my face. (Remember, it’s easier to add a dash of happy than it is to remove the sadness.)

A picture of new designed coffee area in author's kitchen, symbolizing a small win from the month she tried to care.

I love my small win!

A little push goes a long way.

4 – Push yourself a little bit further than you think can go.

Armed with a small win, on this gratefully, joyful month during which I tried to care, I pushed myself a little further. Now, I was still very honest with myself. I wasn’t hard on myself if I cried. I allowed the tears to flow. I also didn’t bow to the expectations of others. This was MY little push, not anyone else’s. This is what I decided I wanted to do.

So… what did I do? I had a Color Street party! I know weird, right? A friend of mine was just starting out, and I wanted to help her along. But, instead of having my party at the end of October/beginning of November… I did a thing. I intentionally had my party right smack in the middle of NOVEMBER! And, it went well! It was great. (This is the sound of shock.)

I couldn’t have done this last year, and definitely not the year before. But, this year, I could. I did what I knew I could do. I added a small joyful win (for confidence and a little dash of happy). Then, I pushed myself a little farther and did that hard thing. I’m so very proud of myself. Mostly, I’m proud because I did it all while being true to myself. I did it while having real conversations with friends and family about missing Josh. I didn’t have to wipe the truth away. There was no lying here. Just authentic, intentional choices… my way. This was the November I tried to care, and I’m so glad I tried.

Rachel and hubby hugging. She's holding a sticky notes that reads "It's a miracle." She shared this in a FB post during a hard month.

Okay, God. It’s on you.

5 – Allow God to take the reins.

I read those little prayers (from my November post) everyday.

Nov 2 – Lord, teach me your BIGNESS. Show me how big and awesome you are. Remind me that you are the creator of all things. The winds and the waters obey you. You are great! Thank you, Lord, for loving me. Thank you for seeing me. I love you… even when life is hard.

Nov 4 – Lord, thank you for those who’ve gone before me. Thank you for their stories. Their stories of being stuck between an army and the sea, or being met with a land of giants, encourage and strengthen my faith. They reassure me and let me know that, in this life, we will all face adversity. It doesn’t mean we’re doing anything wrong. Sometimes, it means we’re right where we’re supposed to be, remembering the promise, fighting the battle, and leaning on you. Thank you for the shared stories of faith, in times of trouble.

Nov 5 – Lord, thank you for those walking beside me. Sometimes, I feel all alone, like there’s nobody left but me. But, I know I always have people walking alongside me. You are faithful. You will never leave me. Lord, open my eyes, like you did the young man, at Elisha’s request. Open my eyes so I can see those all around me, fighting on my behalf. Oh, Lord. I am never alone. You are my shelter and hiding place. Thank you for those walking beside me.

But, something happened on day 15 (write smack in the middle of one of the worst months). I read that day’s prayer with tears in my eyes. My heart was softened, and I remembered God knew. He knew I was the broken-hearted. He knew what I could hide from everyone else; that sometimes, the jagged edges of my broken heart hurt. But, my God is a way maker, miracle worker, light in the darkness, and I could trust him with the fragments of my heart. I cried.

Nov 15 – Let the broken-hearted regain enough hope to dream again. Let their dreams pour out of them, unable to be contained. Lord, I pray that they dream again. Thank you for HOPE.

I don’t know why I wrote these exact words earlier that month. I didn’t even want to write. I had no “Grateful Thanksgiving” list. I figured the least I could do was write some prayers. I leaned on the verse, “Give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good.” (Ps. 136:1) And, I realized my life could be in complete shambles, and I could still thank God… just because of who He was. I didn’t need a list of “things.” He is good. He is enough.

I gave the reins to God. “Okay, God. This is the month I tried to care. The rest is yours.”

And, out of nowhere, on Sunday, November 24th (with just a few more days of prayer left), I realized that God is so much better than who I thought He was so many years earlier. Hey.. just the fact that I could say, “God, I tried. This is yours,” is a lot of progress. It’s honesty. I couldn’t have survived the month without it, and my honesty didn’t make God cringe. He showed up. Sunday morning, I was re-baptized, and it was so much better than the time before. Because, this time I had a tested faith. “Twenty years ago, I thought I knew that God wouldn’t leave me. But, yesterday, I stood there, still standing on a pretty hard road, having seen that God would never leave me.” And, my heart was full. My broken-heart was dreaming again.

The completion of my hard month:

It’s November 26^th, and I have yet to pray the last November prayer from my blog post. But, looking back, I can see that it’s full of beautiful honesty. It hints of small efforts; me just doing what I could do… and then, stretching myself a tad bit further. And, finally, giving it to God. “God, it’s yours.”

Nov. 29 – Lord, I don’t always know what to say. I don’t always know how to be thankful. I have no grand list. You see my life. You know how it is. Aint nothing grand to speak about. And… with what I’ve been through, I need something a little bit deeper than Dunkin’ Donuts to be thankful for. But God, you heard me. In all your mercy, you heard my prayers. And, you honored them. You accept the tiniest of gifts; the tiniest of gestures. You are with me. You care. You see me. Thank you.

What a wonderful November it’s been. It’s been a wonderful month, not because it’s been without pain, but because I stopped trying to erase the pain.