Why Did My Child Die - {Questions for God}

“As much as I’d like for it to be, this is not heaven. It’s not all joy and hallelujahs. Sometimes, there’s sadness and pain.”

If God is good, why did my child die? Every bereaved parent has questions. This is a question I have chosen not to shy away from. I hope you can relate to my honest questioning, even if we don’t agree.

I don’t know why my son died. At times, I am convinced it was due to his circumstances. But, others have been in the same predicament, and they’re still walking around as free as a bluebird. They’re celebrating birthdays, getting married, buying homes, and having children. I look and I wonder and I don’t know exactly why. “Why did my child die?”

Some say it was God’s plan for my child to die. They say it was his lot from the very beginning. They say I could have done nothing. My son could have done nothing. With no judgement, just curiosity, I wonder why these people get up in the morning. Why do they get up and try? Why do they believe that they can change a single aspect of their life? Is it not pre-written? I’m not sure what my life would look like if I felt the same.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t know why. And, believe it or not, neither do those other people who proclaim to know. They don’t know why your child. And, despite their sincerity, they don’t know why my son died either. But I do know a few things:

Here’s what I know.

God’s plans for my son were and are good.

We live in a fallen world.

God knows and wasn’t surprised by any of it.

There is always something I could have done differently.

God is the Great Redeemer.

This situation is bigger than my child.

We see in part.

Actually, I guess I know a little more than I thought. Perhaps, I just get stuck on the really big thing I don’t know… WHY did my child die?

7 Things I DO Know… even when I don’t know why my child died.

I’ve chosen to expound on the seven things I DO know. As you walk this journey, know that you are not the only one exploring your reality, which doesn’t quite seem real. Some things flip our life upside down. Finding and holding on to the truths you know can be fundamental in surviving the loss of a child. Here are a few of the truths I hold on to.

1. God’s plans for my son were and are good.

God’s word explains that He has good plans for us and our children; plans to prosper them and not harm them. (Jeremiah 29:11)

This verse hurt me to my core right after Josh’s death. If God had good plans for my child, how could this happen? People kept saying that God needed another angel, or that God had other plans for Him, as if it was God’s desire for my son to die all alone in his room; gone in the middle of the night without a whisper of a goodbye.

Friend, that is not the plan God had for my son. Bad things happen, and I am not afraid to call them bad. Sometimes, bad things happen to really good people and we don’t need to put that on God. God is good. MY God is good and his plans for us are good; plans to prosper us and not harm us.

2. We live in a fallen world.

As much as I’d like for it to be, this is not heaven. It’s not all joy and hallelujahs. Sometimes, there’s sadness and pain. Sometimes, people do bad things that effect us all. Disease, natural disasters, unforeseen incidents all happen on this place called Earth. I’m so glad that the Earth, in its present state, will not be our forever home.

3. God knows and wasn’t surprised by any of it.

I have to admit that this one hurts a little bit too. I don’t fully understand it. But, I know that God knew it all from the beginning. He is the first and the last; beginning and the end. All things were created by Him and exists in Him.

He knew what choices would be made, He knew what trials would come our way, and He knew all about the future secret conversations. God knew. And, with that, I have to decide if I still trust Him.

I do, Friend. I don’t understand, but I do. In many ways, a tested faith is a sweeter faith.

4. There is always something I could have done differently.

Each and everyday of my life I make choices. I usually choose to get up early, but sometimes, I get up later than I should. Other days, I eat healthy, and some not so healthy. On Thursdays I watch Grey’s Anatomy, Fridays I eat pizza. But, on each particular day, I could have chosen to do something differently.

I could have chosen to drink tea instead of coffee or to have worn blue instead of purple. However, somehow, when people refer to that dreadful day, they are persistent in wanting me to believe that I could have done nothing differently.

Friend, I’ve done the work. I’ve asked the hard questions, and I’m okay with knowing that there’s plenty of things I could have done differently… that day, and every other day of my life. This is true every day, except nobody died any of those other days. What’s also true is, God already knew. I still trust Him.

Read Related Post: Dealing With Guilt After Child Loss

5. God is the Great Redeemer.

I don’t have to worry about the things I could have done differently, and I don’t need to lie about them nor pretend them away. In fact, I believe that doing so dilutes the story of exactly how well God redeems and restores.

My God is a redeemer! He redeems the broken. He redeems messed up situations, pains, hurts, and losses. He specializes in the impossible. He has the ability to feed the multitude with our brokenness, while multiplying the harvest.

The best place for broken things is in the hand of the Father. Don’t try to figure it out. Don’t put an equal sign where one does not belong. Redemption does not mean your loss is null and void, nor does it mean that anything at all could replace what you’ve lost. Not at all, Friend. It simply means that somehow God knows how to take the cruelest, most painful pain ever and do something good with it. And, that is a miracle.

6. This situation is bigger than my child.

My child’s death is so much bigger than my child. It’s bigger than me. When I look at every situation in the Bible, there’s always something bigger at play. The death of Job’s children had nothing to do with his children. It may have had less to do with Job than many think.

Something bigger was at play. Sometimes, very bad things happen and when we try to equate reasons for their occurrence without seeing the whole picture, we’re often wrong. Many times, we simply don’t have the answers.

What I do know is that my child’s death was soooo much bigger than my child. His absence is so very far reaching. The future looks different because he is gone. There is a hole that seems to ripple out with the progression of time. That is a hole that only God knows what to do with.

Read related post: God Will Turn All Things Around – {A Grieving Parent’s Perspective}

7. We see in part.

Many times during this journey, I wish I’d had an aerial view. I wish I could see everything as it played out, along with all the future repercussions, like a living timeline or map. It would be great to see how everything interweaves together.

But, instead, so often I’ve been left only seeing the back of the tapestry. And, it looks pretty ugly and untidy, Friend. Doesn’t look like any good can come from this mess. But, I know God better than that. I know who He says He is and I choose to believe. After all, isn’t that what faith is?

So, as we walk in faith, not by sight, we must remember that, on this side of heaven there’s a lot we simply don’t know. I believe when we get to heaven we won’t care to know.

Until then, I’ll just keep trusting.

Why did my child die? I really don’t know. I am learning on this road to trust my why with the Who. I am sorry you’re walking this road. You’re not alone.

You will never be the same, but it gets better, Friend. Keep holding on. ❤️

xoxo,

Rachel

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