Why You Weren't Too Hard on Your Child that Died

“You were a good parent. Good parents aren’t perfect, and Neither are their kids.”

Guild, shame, and worry all come naturally after the loss of a child. If you’re wondering why you cared about all the “stuff” while your child was living, you’re not alone. I’m here to remind you that you where just being a mom. You weren’t too hard on your child.

All The “Important” Things

Do you remember the rushed mornings; the snoozed alarm clocks, and messy hair? “Brush your teeth! Make your bed! Why do I have to tell you this every morning?!”

Yes, I’d like help with this!

The big rush out the door, with sweaters hanging from our arms, and bagels dangling from our full hands. Those were the days when everything felt important. We had to raise our children to be responsible people. What would happen if they didn’t brush their teeth two days in a row? Yikes!

We hurried them off to do their important assignments, so that we could go to our important job, to make necessary funds for our children’s important future.

Correction: My child is gone.

That important job now feels like a nonexistent piece of time filled with daydreaming about the nonimportance of it all. And all those tasks… you know the really important ones. I don’t worry about them anymore.

Instead, I’m left with a dry toothbrush, sitting on the counter, that I don’t know what to do with. What do I do with it? There’s no one to sleep in that perfectly made bed, whose sheets I’m afraid to wash, tucked away in a beautifully decorated room, filled with dried flowers and dozens of sympathy cards. But, it’s clean.

“Because I’m a mom. I was just being a mom.”

What Was I Thinking?

I wonder why I thought those things were so important. Why was I frazzled over teeth, beds, carpet, and other stupid, pointless stuff? What?

Did I think my child would lose all thirty-two of his teeth before age twenty and be forced to drink Ensure for the remainder of his life?

Was I afraid he’d be gobbled up by the clothes on his floor, and be eaten alive by the dirty-room-monster?

What was I thinking?

Why on Earth did I think any of that was important? — Because I’m a mom. I was just being a mom. I’m still being a mom. I’m still watching over his sweet memory, saying his name, and loving on him from afar the very best I can; because I’m his mother.

What You Did Was Normal

Dear, Mom. What you did was normal. Absolutely normal. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy smile and encouraging your child to have one. There’s nothing wrong with a made-up bed, in a clean room, ready to share with friends and visitors; teaching your child true hospitality. There was absolutely nothing wrong with those “important” things.

“Let yourself off the hook, because you’re the one who put yourself there. Your child understands and loves you.”

Please Give Yourself Grace

Sometimes, when we’re grieving, we have a tendency to be extra hard on ourselves. I know I was, and still can be. I was so mad… at myself. Why was I so hard on him? Why did I do this or that? How could I have done that? – Because I loved him, and I wanted the best for him. Because despite every inward objection I have now, at the time, I was being a good mother. We were and are good mothers.

Mothers provide direction and care. We provide boundaries and other healthy leadership. We say yes. But, we also say no. We encourage them to study and do their best. We painfully watch as they learn to regain their composure after failing at something.

Then, we cheer for them when they succeed.

If we’re lucky, we may have them long enough to see them get their driver’s license, and pray they wear their seat belt (of which we have no control over). Some of us had our children long enough to see them get married. If that was you, maybe you gave your child a word of advice or two and hoped they’d call if they needed you.

No, you weren’t wrong. You weren’t majoring in the small stuff, though it may desperately feel that way now. You were being a great mom. That’s what moms do. Sometimes we miss things. Sometimes, we miss really big things. Hindsight is 20/20.

Please give yourself grace.

You didn’t know what you know now. Let yourself off the hook, because you’re the one who put yourself there. Your child understands and loves you.

Let’s Work Through This

If you’re struggling today with figuring out why you were so hard on your child, why you didn’t let them dye their hair purple, date at ten, or why you made them brush their teeth, it’s because you were being their mom, and that’s okay. I’ve created a very simple sheet to help you get things out of your mind and onto paper. It’s a simple action, but it helps bring clarity when everything’s foggy and your mind’s screaming at you. Feel free to grab it. Work through it. Print a few and do it multiple times throughout the coming weeks and months. Grief is funny. You’ll circle these thoughts again, and when you do, I want you to be prepared.

xoxo,

Rachel